Lately I've been thinking a lot about how easily I fall into caring about what others think. How trapped I feel wanting to make sure I say and do the right things. It's exhausting really.
At the same time, I've been reading a novel by Jodi Picoult called Nineteen Minutes. One of the main characters is struggling with keeping up an image so she can be in the popular crowd. She is constantly plagued by the thought that at any moment people will find her out and she will be shoved down the ladder of popularity.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, I've just been thinking a lot. Our small group has been trying to figure out how to best use our time and how to be the kind of community God wants. Last night we talked a lot about what a real community is - a fellowship of the heart. This involves being exposed, sharing your real life, praying for one another, knowing things will get messy. I feel like I've lived most of my life trying to make everything look perfect. Trying not to be emotional when things aren't going my way. Trying to be strong all the time. Trying to make it seem like I never get frustrated with my husband or that my kids don't get on my nerves occasionally. And it's exhausting.
One more thing. This fellowship of the heart, being real. I want that for my family. For my kids. I want them to know it's ok when life gets messy. We will get through it together.
Ever since I had Luke, I have really tried to not have regrets. I think that ties back into how sometimes I hold back because I care what others think. That's enough rambling for now. It feels good to get it out of my head.