Secure

I'm trying to be more secure. I'm a terribly insecure person. But I want to change, so I thought I'd "vocalize" it and get it out there. After I blog, I think I'll go find some verses on being secure to start memorizing. Anyway, I want to be more secure about

how I look - I have thought I was fat all my life. I can only see all the things that need to be perfected. And with my addiction to Coke and chocolate, those things aren't going to get any better. I want to be secure with my momma roll and just know I'm doing my best to stay fit and enjoying life at the same time. With that, I have asked a few people to remind me that I don't have to cover myself up like a nun every time I go to the pool. I'm in the same boat as everyone else, nobody looks perfect. And if they do, they're probably 18 and haven't had the privilege of being pregnant and having babies.

parenting - I like routines, so that's what I've strived for raising my kids. But I also appreciate flexibility. So if we are doing something different, I'm glad they can adjust. I'm always comparing and evaluating like I'm not doing anything right. Especially with discipline. Am I too lenient? Should I say NO more? Should I spank more? I want to again realize I'm doing my best and what I think is best for my kids.

what I want - I'm terrible at saying no. I'll do whatever I have to to accommodate people, even if it inconveniences me. Sometimes that is a nice thing to do, but not every time. I want to say NO more and not feel bad about it.

how things look - If my family is going to be part of a transparent community, we can't be obsessed with everything looking perfect. I'm not perfect. My marriage isn't perfect. My kids aren't perfect. What I say isn't perfect. So there. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood. Sometimes I'm fed up with all the things I've had to take care of that day. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, just that I'm normal.

Enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening.

It Won't Be Like This For Long...

That's what God told me through a Darius Rucker song yesterday. My helpful neighbor girl Bailey and I got the kids ready to go to Wed. evening Prayer, Praise and Pie at church. Pup wasn't home from work yet and was going to meet us there. Thankfully Bailey wanted something to do so she helped me out with the kids. After we buckled the kids in and I got ready to drive, I listened to what was on the radio. And it was this song. I knew God was telling me something.

It won't be like this for long...
My kids won't be 1 and 3 for long,
I won't be cleaning up poop for long,
I won't feel like I'm negotiating all the time for long,
they won't be at home all day with me for long,

One day I will be able to
go to the bathroom without worrying whether anyone will get hurt in that couple minutes
take as many showers as I want to in a week
leisurely walk through the store
stay seated through an entire meal
afford dinners and vacations
sit through church services and pay attention
and all the while I bet I will look back on THESE very times that won't last long.

I often feel like my life is chaos, not in a bad way, just in an I-can't-possibly-control-everything way. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that it's not really doable to get several things done with them. Sometimes it is, and we can knock out a whole to-do list and all have good attitudes. Sometimes it's not, and the most we can do is re-evaluate the to-do list and only do the essential things like eat dinner and go potty.

Don't get me wrong, Luke and Norah are the best gifts I've ever received. I love them with all my heart, even when I'm cleaning up poop. But they are work:) Constant and demanding, adorable and charming.

Oh, and about that pic up there. I thought it was appropriate because it pretty well depicts life. At VBS, Luke had an accident, I was out of extra clothes for him, so he walked around in a pull-up. Just another day in our world:)

Teachable Moments

The teacher in me beamed this morning when Luke came to me with the Because of Winn-Dixie dvd case and asked what Winn-Dixie started with. Teachers hear a lot about teachable moments in the classroom - how random moments or tangents can be good if we make the most of them. I'm all about that. If my kid wants to learn his letters off of a movie case, that's fine with me. So we spent the next few minutes looking for different letters on the movie case. Good boy Luke:)

Christmas in July

Today my friends Twilla and Hannah brought over some of Hannah's old toys for the kids. Only Norah was awake and she was timid, but after they left and Luke woke up, they started to realize these toys were for them. And they started to argue over them:)

They love the alphabet computer, Mr. Potato Head, books, and collapsible k'nex-like ball. Norah has been able to keep the purses all to herself:) Their favorite thing is the school bus tent.

I put a couple things in the basement so maybe they could have Christmas in another weird month too:)

A Culmination of Thoughts

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how easily I fall into caring about what others think. How trapped I feel wanting to make sure I say and do the right things. It's exhausting really.

At the same time, I've been reading a novel by Jodi Picoult called Nineteen Minutes. One of the main characters is struggling with keeping up an image so she can be in the popular crowd. She is constantly plagued by the thought that at any moment people will find her out and she will be shoved down the ladder of popularity.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I've just been thinking a lot. Our small group has been trying to figure out how to best use our time and how to be the kind of community God wants. Last night we talked a lot about what a real community is - a fellowship of the heart. This involves being exposed, sharing your real life, praying for one another, knowing things will get messy. I feel like I've lived most of my life trying to make everything look perfect. Trying not to be emotional when things aren't going my way. Trying to be strong all the time. Trying to make it seem like I never get frustrated with my husband or that my kids don't get on my nerves occasionally. And it's exhausting.

One more thing. This fellowship of the heart, being real. I want that for my family. For my kids. I want them to know it's ok when life gets messy. We will get through it together.
Ever since I had Luke, I have really tried to not have regrets. I think that ties back into how sometimes I hold back because I care what others think. That's enough rambling for now. It feels good to get it out of my head.