Sunday, February 15, 2009

This Season...and some ramblings of my heart

Oh how I long for this season to last. Certainly not because I pretty much only shower twice/week. Or because from the time the kids wake up til the time they're asleep it's a constant busyness. Or because I enjoy scheduling around naptime (thank God there is naptime!). Or because I like thinking about how much more money we could have if I would go back to work.

The other day a VERY unlikely person that I work with asked me if having kids was the greatest thing I'd ever done. I shyly replied yes, and that it was also the hardest thing I'd ever done. There was more to the conversation, but right then, it occurred to me that I might be in that place at that time with my momma heart for a reason.

I want it to last because I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom, longed for a firstborn with all my heart, cried endless amounts of tears when other people got pregnant easily, and just knew it was what I was supposed to do. That's why it feels so strange to have two beautiful children and the plan to go back to work in 4 years. Is that what I'm looking forward to now? I don't want that to be what I'm looking forward to. Getting up, looking decent, and taking Luke and Norah to school with me so that I can teach twenty kids and bring home a paycheck? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching. When I taught, I built lasting relationships with colleagues, parents, and students. But they helped fill that place in my heart that was just waiting for a baby. I don't think it will be at all the same when I go back. I think it will be good, but not nearly as good as this job I have now.

So on some days at some moments, yes, I want this MOMENT to be over. So I can wash my hair or get my thoughts together. But, this season, no way. I think these days are full of the things we'll talk about the rest of our lives.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

I talked about MOMENTS in my post too. :)